Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Best Fictional Castles #4-#2

Per always we start with a recap of the most recent posts (Save the pictures this time. Last time, the old DEC computers in this library almost shutdown from the size of my posts.... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID..................BOOM!).

#10 - Hyrule Castle (I can hear Dave booing and hissing all the way from his beach resort down south ;) )

- The Fortress of Solitude (Is this the only thing about Supes that is cool?)

#8 - Ariel's Castle (Face it folks, Ariel doesn't bring it home. Trust me, I wish it wasn't true. The one thing she had going for her were the fins. And she promptly got rid of them. What else is there?)

#7 - Sultan's Palace (Aladdin) (How hilarious is it that you could fit the surrounding kingdom within the foyer of this joint?)

#6 - Camelot (Arthur - Guinevere... Most overrated romance ever?)

#5 - Beast's Castle (Is there anything more satisfying in movies than when Gaston takes a spill down that cliff and gets a rock bath? )

So, clearly we're reaching some epic stuff, huh? "Camelot at #6?? No way!" Well, sorry folks, there are better castles out there, and we're about to go through them...

#4 Cinderella's Castle

Clearly one of the more recognizable castles of the past several generations. Cinderella's castle is the centerpiece of both Disney World in Orlando and Tokyo Disney in Japan. The castle itself is modeled after several different french chateaus and of course one other castle that will be on this list. A great thing about this castle is that we have two real-life models to assess in order to judge just how insane this place is. For example, the inner structure is reinforced by 600 tons of steel, the moat contains 3.37 million gallons of water, the tallest of the castles 27 towers reaches 189 feet into the air. Wow... So, pretty awesome huh?!? What could possibly be an issue...

"well, ya know, the drawbridge doesn't work..." ....

"sorry, what was that?"

"You know, the drawbridge isn't functional."


What kind of horse#&*@ is this? What posers! Can you imagine what must happen if an invading force was coming to this place? They would turn their french noses up at this joint. Dude it doesn't even end there. The architects of this castle use an OPTICAL ILLUSION to trick your mind into thinking the castle is taller than it really is. They do this by decreasing the proportions of the castle as it gets higher and higher making it seem like the castle is taller and taller. What a joke. What FRAUDS!!

My final issue with this castle is that it is just SO OVERRATED. People make up things about this damned place that simply aren't true. One of these facts will be discussed shortly.

Element we shall steal for our next castle:

.......... Sorry just needed to compose myself. So anyways, back to the good stuff. Probably the part that melts all you gals' hearts is the ballroom which I believe will be a central part to our castle. Have the surrounding villagers join us for a hodown and we'll make all our money back.

#3 Minas Tirith

I'm just going to put this out there, researching this castle was no fun at all. Goddamn LOTR fans. Do you know how long this wikipedia articles are on this shit? Anways, Minas Tirith. Central location for the defining battle of the Lord of the Rings Triology and the main fortress for the White City (and no Seth, we are not talking about Shrewsbury, MA). The castle and city are modelled after Saint Mont-Michel in france (click the link) which is probably the most badass thing France has to offer us. Minas Tirith accomplishes defense by not building tall unscalable walls of Helms Deep, but rather has a series of 7 gates that concentrically enclose the city. Pretty dope stuff, eh?

Tough, tough, tough to find cons for this place. I guess I'll say the same thing I said for Beast's castle. The main battle that is associated with this castle actually takes place in the fields below. And hell, the only reason why this castle wasn't completely overrun was because the cavalry arrived (TWICE!!). So, all in all, good castle, but certainly not greater than 3rd all time.

Element we shall steal for our next castle:
Those of you who walked with me to Tandoor during the afternoon prior to the wedding will know where i'm going with this. Solitary tree, baby. The White Tree of Gondor (or the solitary tree as I referred to it constantly) is just so, so, so badass. Badassness in simplicity... hard to find. Any thoughts on what kind of tree we should get? Maple?

#2 Sleeping Beauty's Castle

Give yourself an opportunity to really let that picture set in. All set? Alright, give yourself another 30 seconds. Seriously, that is a picture of perfection. To be honest, I only saw Sleeping Beauty for the first time recently and I was truly blown away. I find this to be one of the most underrated disney films of all time (right beneath the Great Mouse Detective) and in parallel with this this castle tends to be underrated as well. Cinderella's castle tends to take the glory, but honestly this is the real deal. Standing a modest 77 feet tall in Disneyland this castle has been the front for the Walt Disney corporation just as much as Mickey Mouse. That's right folks, Cinderella's castle is NOT the the castle at the beginning of all those Disney flicks. That'd be this one.

So, remember that malfunctioning drawbridge that they over at Cinderella's castle? Well, Sleeping Beauty's castle does not just have a WORKING drawbridge, but occasionally swans will swim in the moat. How is that not amazing??

Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to just rip on Cinderella's castle here? My fault.

Honestly, the reason why this castle is not #1 on my list is because while it is the oldest sibling of all the glorious Disney castles, it just doesn't have that "IT" factor that defines our #1 castle.


BOOZE (click the link) (one of my favorite disney songs ever btw)

Well, that's all we got for today. My next post will contain some honorable mentions and will finish up with the #1 castle of fiction EVER!


  1. wow I don't know where we go from here. I ran out of all the ones I thought you were putting number 1. Does this time stamp? because I dont' want anyone knowing I'm posting on this blog at 1:30 in the morning.
    Der Minas tirith has 7 walls. (I wish I had enough nerd knowledge to know how that joke works. Can I get a link Neil?)
    You have sold me on the hatred of cinderella's castle. It is so confusing. Up until a few years ago, you might have told you that it was tinkerbell's castle, or else why would she zip line there every night.

  2. Ok totally forget that last comment. Of course I know what number 1 is. But this is where you have gone wrong. But I got two that I can argue belong as number 1. This is like tic tac toe. I have three of the four corners, there's no blocking this with one move left.
    No but really though, awesome job. You better be getting a lot of input from the kids on Peds with this.

  3. Hahaha a few kids on peds have insisted on my #1 castle and they obviously have good taste...

    But, yeah, cinderella's castle needs to take a hard look at herself.