Saturday, October 23, 2010

Best Fictional Castles #7-#5

"Hello Again Everybody And Welcome To Best Fictional Castles Top 10. I'm Neil Marya and let's get back to the countdown!"

Heyyooooooooo! So before we go forward we must make sure to give you an overview of my previous post:

#10 - Hyrule Castle

#9 - The Fortress of Solitude

#8 - Ariel's Castle

Everybody good? Alright let's do it.

#7 Sultan's Palace


Clearly a very solid castle. I'm personally a huge fan of those gold-plated onion domes. That being said, the exterior of this castle cowers at the beauty inside this place. Huge marbled hallways, incredible water walkway, and home to one of the great Disney climaxes of all time all earn this palace a spot in our top 10 countdown.


So, there's something wrong with this picture if you ask me (or maybe I'm hanging out with Ellen too much), because there seems to be a pretty serious sliding scale of wealth in this place. Like that palace is outrageously huge and the rest of the city is rolling around in poverty? Dude, you get your hand fucking chopped off for grabbing an apple in this joint. Maybe the "beloved" Sultan can actually do something for his people instead of being obsessed with marrying off his daughter.


One of my favorite element's of this place is the dungeon. Place is creepy as hell and seems to be infested with a variety of rodents. Pretty sweet. And hey, instead of having an airlock a la BSG, we can just throw our cylons down to the dungeon.

#7 Camelot

Probably the most legendary castle on this list. Hell, the castle's inhabitants are worth stories of their own. The exact location and geography of this castle has been of much debate for several centuries, but that hasn't stopped writers from using Camelot as the central location for many epic poems, stories, and muppet skits.

This may be considered a cop-out con, but I find it relatively frustrating. Considering how famous this castle has been through history there has not yet been a consensus or defining rendition of the castle itself. There are obviously the essential bits that are always maintained (Black Knight, Merlin, Arthur, Excalibur, etc...), but very little in terms of the Camelot castle itself. Yo, this is a problem for me. If they plan on making a LEGO camelot I want to know it's legit.

The round table. Another essential part of Arthurian legend that is just as famous as Lancelot. A huge round table as a centerpiece for our castle would be a dope way to sit down for any occasion. And hey, the chances of Ellen running into a corner are eliminated. Hard to say no to that.

And hey, if people aren't into the round table then it'd be wise throw something like this in our new courtyard instead:

#5 Beast's Castle


"This is yet another example of the late neoclassic Baroque period. And, as I always say, 'if it's not Baroque, don't fix it!'" I could gush about this castle for eons, but I will try and contain myself. First, let us consider the setting. This castle was built above a surrounding rocky chasm that makes invading it quite a chore. Throw in a thin-laned bridge that forces invading forces to arrive single file you have quite an imposing defensive structure. In the inside things get even more intense. Brilliantly designed stone-courtyard that was meant for epic snowball fights and a ballroom that required over 1000 animators for the feature film, Beast's Castle is one of the greatest successes of Disney Animation.


No major issues to speak of here, so I'm not going to bumble around trying to explain myself. I'll just throw this out there, however. This castle, for the most part, is for show. Outside of being a very romantic getaway we have never really seen this castle "in action." Now, the case can be made that given the opportunity this castle could be a great fortress. But hey, woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Seth, this one's for you. The library in this castle makes the Library of Congress look like a shit fest. Talking about making reading look cool, this thing makes reading look epic. Although I'm not entirely sure how one is supposed to get to the books at the very top. That must be where one can find the full version of the Mahabharata, the Ab Urde Condita, or the DVD version of Song of the South (DAMN YOU DISNEY!)

Alright, we're halfway there! Come back to check out castles #4-#2!!


  1. Comprehending the full meaning and implications of "If it's not Baroque, don't fix it" remains one of the most challenging puzzles I have encountered.

  2. Seriously, did the writers at Disney realize that they crafted one of the lasting statements of the 20th century?

  3. I LOVE THE LIBRARY. Also Belle is my favorite "Princess"

  4. I was about to throw a hissy fit about camelot being lower than Beast's castle, but you saved it with the library. That thing is the shit. I just want to find one of those ladders with wheels and spend the whole day on it.
    I'm restraining myself from commenting on ones I think should be on this list because they might pop up later. Its a tough call about keeping my mouth shut. Its like getting a horrible handy from a girl you just met, I don't want to ruin things if this is going further.
    Basically what I'm saying is awesome job.

  5. Grace - I agree, the fact that Belle is considered by the masses to be a disney "princess" is almost an insult. She is leaps and bounds above those girls.

    Seth - Way to nail the analogy. An be prepared because there will be a set of honorary mentions.

  6. Ok, A) we definitely have some problems going on in Aladdin. It's barbaric, but hey, it's home? Yeah tell that to the starving children. On the other hand, gold plated onion domes get a thumbs up. B) I do not, in fact, bump into things that often. Our apartment just has a lot of slantly ceilings, furniture, and other hostile elements. C) Belle is most definitely a princess. And an awesome one at that. It's clear that she's going to marry the Beast and therefore become royalty. Unless we have some additional class issues to deal with here...maybe I should write a paper about this...

  7. Were not most of the castles, fictional and non-, surrounded by poverty?

    "Oh King, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers, by hanging on to outdated, imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!"

    Must the bleakness of Disney's portrayal of Agrabah's population take away from the majesty of its architecture?