Thursday, October 21, 2010

Best Fictional Castles #10 - #8

#10 HYRULE CASTLE


PROS
As far as videogames go, it's tough to think of a castle more legendary than Hyrule Castle (made famous by the Legend of Zelda). Ladies, any boy you know probably spent hours in their dinosaur footy-pajamas traversing the different levels of this monstrous structure. A big part of Zelda games requires one to go back and forth through time. No matter how often one travels the fourth dimension, the badassness of this castle remains unchanged. Super-imposing and the stuff of Dave's nightmares, I present to you #10 -- Hyrule Castle.

CONS
So as awesome as this castle is, there are elements that are frustrating. Most importantly, getting into this thing requires no challenge whatsoever. This thing has been sacked on countless occasions and the "security" can be described as sketchy at best. Dude, seriously, outside the castle you just move this rock and you gain direct entry to the dungeon... Come on.

ELEMENT WE SHALL STEAL FOR OUR NEXT CASTLE
Probably one of the most underrated parts of this castle is the courtyard gardens. I'd be down with some crops or like a garden maze. So, we could definitely throw something like that in.



#9 THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE
PROS:
"But, Neil this isn't a castle!" Do you know what I have to say to that? "WAHH!!!" No, seriously, this is a legit fortress built for one man. And check it, that one man is fucking SUPERMAN. Housed within this ice mine of the arctic belongs all that Superman has left of his home world -- Krypton. It's also got spikes of ice, and hey you can't have a problem with that.


CONS: Place is probably absurdly cold. And seriously, ice spikes? Who's going to want their children hanging around that joint.

ELEMENT WE SHALL STEAL FOR OUR NEXT CASTLE:
So, for the animal enthusiasts, the fortress of solitude has a collection of animals from a variety of planets. Pretty dope, I could definitely get into a petting zoo. Or, we can just have Stuart collect us some squirrels, train them to be nut archers, etc...





#8 KING TRITON'S CASTLE

PROS:
Dude, why get a pool/moat when you can just have your castle underwater? Seriously though, what's the deal with Ariel being a brat. Yo, check out that castle behind your head there princess, it's way prettier than that mofo you're staring down. Anyways, place is made of gold and looks like it has a pretty sweet slide. All pluses :)


CONS:
Well, Disney is known for throwing in some debauchery in their cartoon features and this is just another example of this. Seriously guys? A golden phallus on your castle? Actually...maybe this isn't a con...


ELEMENT WE SHALL STEAL FOR OUR NEXT CASTLE:
So, this is tough. Personally a singing crustacean is a hard thing to turn down, butI'd have to go with having a giant trident in our weapons room.
Thank you for your attention, come back and check out Castles #7-#5 in a couple of days!

2 comments:

  1. Um, Ariel is not a brat. She just wants more. Much more. She wants to be where the people are. She wants to see, wants to see 'em dancing. Walking around on those, what do you call them again? Feet.

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  2. Ellen knows what she's talking about. Flipping your fins you don't get to far, because legs are required for jumping and dancing. Strolling down a... what's that word again?

    Oh well, it'll come to me. Anyhow, the Little Mermaid, aside from being my first VHS, Ariel was my first crush. And I still haven't gotten over her.

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